The Conversation Within

Prologue: The Introvert believes that Good or Bad, every person in the world has a conscience, a soul that inspires them to do good, motivates them to never give up and pricks them when it's wrong. Just like everyone, Rudiger Smoot, who is The Introvert's creation, has his own conscience whom he talks to when in dilemma. Anima is the friend who Rudy always coveted. She is what he is afraid to accept and all the thoughts that always stay in his mind. Rudy, writes about one such conversation with Anima in his diary and reveals a part of himself that nobody knows about.

Diary Entry #97: 2nd April

"Two years. 730 days. 17520 hours. 63 million seconds! So much time has ticked away without her" said Anima.

"Yes, that's long! Finally, I will meet her again, and I won't waste a single second." I shut my eyes and tried to picture her, those mischievous eyes, red pillowy lips and hair as black as the devil's heart!  "I wonder how she looks now, maybe more beautiful, or maybe hotter, the gym must have had some effect."

"Yeah yeah, I'm sure she is just as perfect as you want her to be! What will you do if she comes out of that gate, finds you here, runs towards you and hugs you tightly while planting a kiss on your lips??" intrigued Anima. "Haha", I smiled, hoping that would be the case, "Don't you think that's just too dramatic? You have been watching too many romantic films lately Anima! I'm sure whatever happens it will be simple and sweet!"

"Ahh, you're boring! You're hoping she does what I said, but you're just too haughty to admit it, boy!" Anima winked as she replied. I was blushing by what Anima said, but I quickly regained my composure and said sternly, "Let's not get carried away with hopes and dreams, you know how that panned out with the last girl!" The mention of the last girl brought a frown on both our faces.

We didn't want our conversation to head that way, so Anima tried to change the topic with, "So what do you think of this new guy she mentions these days? Do you think there's something between them?" I turned green with envy, and Anima realised that this was worse than the previous topic. "I don't know; I hope not, I get too possessive you know! I just can't share her! I.. I like.. her. A Lot!!" I said hesitantly. "Like her?? Yeah right!", sarcasm was dripping from every word of that sentence. "You're madly in LOVE with her, you idiot!! You had a good chance before, but you were too afraid because the scars of the last one hadn't healed! But now, this is a good opportunity; you should tell her your feelings you know."

Anima had made up her mind to convince me to do this. I was lost, thinking about the consequences of my actions and weighing the pros and cons minutely. "Hey! Where are you? Have you started ignoring me now??" Anima hated it when I phased out. I came back from my simulations, and said grimly, "I can't Anima, I will lose her. I don't want to lose her! Anyways I don't 'Love' her as such.."

Anima gave me the 'you are not as smart as you think you are' look and said, "Then why did you wear your best pair of clothes today? I see you've oiled your hair slick, you're even wearing her favourite perfume, and you spent most of your savings to buy her those gifts!!!" I was thinking of a good excuse, to reply to her, but I was too slow, "It's useless to make up excuses! I know you better than you know yourself!"

I wasn't going to surrender, "Anima, this doesn't mean I 'Love' her, I care for her, and it's been so long, a few gifts will cause no harm, I'm sure she'll love them."
"She'll love them no doubt, after all, you've picked them up with so much 'Love'!" she said teasing me. "Ahh, stop you're ranting about that Anima. It's not going to happen, however much you try." But I wanted it to happen and wanted Anima to coax me a little more.

"Oh God, will you please save me the strength of coaxing you, and just do what you want to do for heaven's sake! You've always loved her, the way you look at her, the things you think about her and the manner you speak to others about her. It's so obvious. I don't know how much more convincing you need; I'm just going to give up! Don't come to me when you miss her and regret these opportunities!" she said this and turned her back towards me angrily.

I knew this was the limit, and I couldn't ask for more from Anima, "Alright! Fine.. I'll do what you're saying.." Anima turned to face me with excitement, "Really?? How are you going to do it?"

"I was thinking, that when she comes out, she'll look out for me, then I'll wave to her. When we finally are face to face, I'll hug her and whisper it in her ear! What do you think?"

"Ohh that's smooth!" she winked at me, "You're a player eh! Hell, I could fall for you!" she mocked. "Ok fine, your sarcasm is killing me." Just then a person came out the front gate, my heart started racing, "Is it her?"

"I can't see her face", Anima was trying to get a better view of the woman. The woman turned, "That's not her, why is she taking so long!" I was beginning to get anxious.

"Chill boy, she isn't going to desert you, she loves you equally. She'll do anything for you." Anima was waiting for my reaction to this. "You think?? I'm not sure. It's been a while now. Maybe before, not now.." my tone had uncertainty mixed with hope. "Look at that big smile on you! Stop smiling like this; people will term you a creep! Look, there's your girl!"

She was wearing a blood red dress. Her skin, not too pale, not too fair was shimmering in the sunlight. She was ethereal, I thought. It was as if two years had multiplied her beauty. I felt embarrassed, as I had grown fatter.

"She's like an angel Anima, and I'm closer to an Ogre! I don't think it's a good idea." Anima too was mesmerised, and she said, "You're right! She is an angel! And you are an Ogre, but you're a cute one, like Shrek! Don't worry, just do what you thought of, and I'm sure you'll not regret it!"

"Ok. For once I'll listen to you. You better go now, I'll speak with you later."

"You do realise 'Anima' means soul right? And I already reside within you."

"Of course I know. You are my thoughts that the world doesn't know about! Ok now go fast!"

"Ok bye! Best of luck!" She vanished from my thoughts; I looked at the girl I was about to confess my love for. I'm so lucky to have met her. I waved at her, she saw me, with a bag in my hand. She walked swiftly towards me, as she came closer she smiled.

I can die in peace now, that smile is my enlightenment. "Focus man! Focus!" Anima whispered. I walked towards her, and was just going to hug her when she put her hand out with an awkward smile and said "Hi Rudy!" I stopped my hug, looked at her, and thought, she's still the same, introverted and shy! I shook her hand, awkwardly and greeted her, "Hi Lucy!"

Echoes of a Distant Tide

Prologue: The Introvert loves music. It is her refuge, where she can crawl in the spaces between the notes and forget all her worries. In this post, she describes the train of thoughts when she is hooked to a Pink Floyd number called “Echoes”. Pink Floyd is and will always be on her playlist. Just like Pink Floyd, The Introvert believes that their music has depth, and attempts philosophical thought and meaning with discussions of infinity, eternity and mortality.

"Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air

And deep beneath the rolling waves in labyrinths of coral caves

The echo of a distant tide comes willowing across the sand

And everything is green and submarine."

It begins with the sweet sound of rain drops on the thirsty earth. The effect produced is analogical to that of the petrichor of the first showers of monsoon. The strings are plucked like the gentle care of a mother carrying her newborn child. The rhythmic beats and tweaking of strings, begin to conquer my mind, trying to take over my senses. As I lose control over my body, I feel the notes injecting a drug that is being consumed by every cell. This feeling is like none I have ever felt before. No worldly intoxications have the same prowess of mind control like this tune. I am no longer in this world, neither am I out of it. Quantities like space and time don't apply to me anymore, I feel myself in the space between spaces. Motionless like the albatross he speaks about, I can imagine the labyrinth of the coral caves. Minutes begin to feel like weeks and hours like years. The echoes of my past deeds haunt me like the devil. I can see my entire life flash before me, time travelling through all my highs and lows.

"Strangers passing in the street by chance two separate glances meet

And I am you and what I see is me 

And do I take you by the hand and lead you through the land

And help me understand the best I can."

In a distant past, I see a reflection of a person, the shocking resemblance I have to this stranger, makes me doubt my identity. Both our glances meet, and I realise, what I see is me. This doppelganger, is my existence of a different time, a different era. When I come to understand him, I feel not a semblance of my character matching his. He seems more focused, more passionate and more worthy than me. I am ashamed of my reflection, and I hope I could have taken my alter ego's hand and lead him to a different land, where I would be more proud of my present living. But alas that time has passed and so has the tempo of the groove.  It has become slow, toying with my thoughts and I am lead to a different path, by my ventriloquist, engineering my brains movement with invisible strings.

Suddenly I see an endless beach, white sand everywhere. There are no shores, no life; the horizon is the limit. In the figment of my imagination, I witness the forces manipulating the neural signals in my body. The two magicians with their hypnotic devices are making me dance to their tunes. One of them uses two wooden sticks that he beats on leather and metal to define my rhythm. The other has a six-stringed sonic boom, that numbs my conscience. The next four minutes are ecstatic. The passion and love of these wizards flow through my veins. This divine magic takes me on an emotional ride, making me feel every emotion universally known. I feel the greed to stay in this state of trance forever. There is a new form of energy surging within me, and I can do anything that seemed difficult before. I want to become something in this world, be recognised and my growth shall serve vengeance upon my enemies. Slowly, the power of the magician's spell is dimming. All strength is being sucked out of me; I feel exhausted. I have been dancing too long; I need rest. My eyes close and as the magicians end their spell, I fall into deep slumber. 

"Cloudless every day you fall upon my waking eyes

Inviting and inciting me to rise

And through the window in the wall

Come streaming in on sunlight wings

A million bright ambassadors of morning."

I can't open my eyes fully. The sun is blazing over me, and I have a blurry image of everything around me. I can hear screeches of marine creatures now and then. This cacophony begins to align into a slow melodious beat. A heavy bass sets the tone, and I start getting a clear picture of my surroundings. I'm lying alone, in an abandoned wooden shack. I might have seen this shack once before, in my dreams. The pitch rises every second as if it is set to go off in a while. I get out of the shack, to find myself on the same endless beach, only now, I can see the waves lapping in an oscillatory motion in front of my eyes. The wind is blowing strong, a sweet smell of freedom in it. 

"And no one sings me lullabies

And no one makes me close my eyes

So I throw the windows wide

And call to you across the sky."

Suddenly the beats climax into frantic jangling which gives me the impression of a bird being freed from the clutches of monotonicity. This is when it dawns on me, that this place where I am now, I have no one. Nobody to sing me lullabies, nobody to care for me. I will be so lonely, that all I am,  and all I will ever be, will be witnessed only by the echoes of these distant tides. But secretly, this is what I have wished. Living aloof from all the worries of the world. Being closer to the Creator by living among his greatest creations. Knowing this, I feel at peace, more enlightened than ever. I feel there is nothing left to accomplish. My mind is empty, like the colour of the sands. I can again hear the sound of the raindrops. I am weightless. My soul rises high; it begins to disintegrate into the soothing rhythms. I feel myself drowning in the sounds, only to be a part of the never-ending echo.

Amaranthine Existence

Prologue: "Amaranthine" has two meanings, one of which is a colour and the other is Undying or Unfading. These are diary entries by Rudiger Smoot, who is The Introvert's creation. Rudy is based on her Alter-Ego close friend and this post is part of a series, Rudy's Chronicles, which shares glimpses of how an Introverted Mind thinks.

Diary Entry #146: 3rd February

It was twilight, the time when the sky was the canvas and mother nature the artist. She smeared different shades of red & orange as the sands of time steadily dropped. He was there, witnessing the creation of her masterpiece, in complete awe of her talent. Rudy would always visit the end of the city when he felt like having a conversation in silence. There weren't many people at this time of the day. Rudy seated himself on his slippers, avoiding soiling his jeans. He sat there idyllically staring at the waves, lost in thought. His daydreaming was broken by the cold water lapping his feet; the tides were rising. The waves were just like little disobedient children being pulled by their mother to take them home.

Home Rudy reminisced. He had a smile on his face thinking about this. He hadn't had such a curve on his face since a long time. It was one, filled with true happiness, from the inner chambers of his heart. He knew he loved everyone back home, however difficult they were to live with. He saw a boat leave the shore, on it was a man waving back at his family, a wife, a young son & a baby daughter. He would probably never see them again, delving into the heart of the ocean, facing unknown dangers, but, like everyone else, he hoped. He hoped to come back and feel the warmth of his wife once again. He wished to see his children grow old, get married and get on with their journey in life. Hope Rudy derided. He of all people knew how treacherous it was clinging to hope. The only thing greater than fear he thought.

He turned his gaze back to the waves. They continued oscillating, never giving up, always trying to meet the land, rising every time they fell. Rudiger had loved beaches as a child, and he could relate to them, talk to them and share all his emotions with them, without uttering a word. He was not great with people; he preferred inanimate objects. Often, he would discuss his turmoils with his car, earphones or even his pillow. This would always astound the people around him eventually deeming him to be off his rocker. Rudy, on the other hand, was inured to their judgements. They weren't important, he thought, every time. He loved his songs in his playlist, they never judged him. They were his partners in crime, complementing his whims, by his side for every tricky bend in his life. He plugged his earphones & debauched in the tunes of ecstasy.

The sun was almost engulfed by the ocean; it was beginning to get dark. He saw a flock of birds forming perfect geometric shapes, flying back to their nests. He looked around; people began filling parts of the beach, encroaching his solitary. A young teen approached Rudy, prodding him to buy a few balloons from him. He could have been the next billionaire if luck had favoured him to be born into a better family. Maybe the boy wanted to do something other than selling balloons; maybe he wanted to be a singer, maybe he wanted to be a writer or maybe he wanted to be a dictator. Rudy reached for his wallet, took out a note of the highest denomination and handed it to the kid. He took all the balloons and told him to enjoy his day.

Just then his phone rang. He answered it, listened carefully, muttered a few words and said: "I'll be there". Rudy decided to listen to his favourite song as a parting gift. He realised he had to head back to his promotion party; everyone was waiting for him. A part of him wanted to stay back, enjoy this amaranthine existence of himself, but he knew that sometimes social obligations must be fulfilled to survive in the muck of the world. The song was over.

He rose to his feet, rolled his earphones and prepared himself for the perfunctory performance he was about to give. He put on his fake mask that he used in the world, practised his feigned smiles until he was satisfied and began walking along the shore. He looked up at the sky; it was black with a tinge of dark blue. The diamonds of the sky had come out of hiding, twinkling personifying jubilance. Rudy envied them; they were immortal. They were happy. They were far away from humankind, he concluded. As he walked, he noticed his footprints being washed away by those waves. Rudy smiled, not the one he practised; he knew how similar his footprints were to his existence at the beach. It would be written & forgotten, for nobody to read, nobody to see, forever preserved in the chapters of time. Undying. Unfading.